LindsayMuscato.com

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[just stay calm]

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Chris' Wild Theories

Sketch/improv/stand-up comic and musician, Chris Churchill thinks a lot of things. Not all of them are funny but most of them are ridiculous.

Brian

I have my latest straight guy man crush. Brian. He's got muscles, a crew cut, and tattoos. He drinks more energy drinks than the can of energy tells you you should. He only uses his car as extra weight when he jogs. He out Chuck Norrises Chuck Norris. And he strongly, and earnestly suggested that I would feel a lot better if I excercised. Something about him makes me think, "That guy is right." Sure, psychiatrists, friends, family and spouse have said the same thing but the guy that works security at The Logan Square Auditorian AND drives a double decker bus was just manly enough to sway me. Normally, I don't take advice from anyone with a south side of Chicago accent but in this case I'll make an exception. The reason for the exception? He knows all the same stuff I do except he's strong and has tattoos. He's also got an eight year old child named little Brian. When I have kids, I'm going to name them all Little Brian.

Drink three monster energy drinks and call me. Then I'll introduce you to the man who can introduce you to the man who can introduce you to Brian. That man will ask you a riddle. If you can answer the riddle, he will walk you the man who can introduce you to Brian who will challenge you to a simultaneous arm wrestling and staring contest. If you survive, you will be introduced to Brian (who will not come out from behind his velvet curtain until you have proven yourself to be worthy) and then maybe you and I can be friends.