Bddhelp.com
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- The first time i remember being upset by my appearance was when i was just 7 or 8 years old. I was at School and it was my turn to have a medical examination. The nurse kindly helped me off with my clothes and i stood there naked and frozen like a rabbit caught in car head lights. Shame and embarrasement engulfed me and as soon as i could, i ran from the room crying and shaking. I had always been considered skinny. Family had often joked about it and i clearly remember at school a girl laughing and pointing at me whilst shouting to everyone in the play ground, "Keep away from her, she has the skinny disease." Of cause i felt sad and humilated. I wondered what was wrong with me and why i couldnt be like everyone else. Around this time i started having panic attacks whenever i was out. My body would go numb and i would feel as though i was floating. I tried to explain to my mother and a doctor how i was feeling but at that age my words came out as a ramble. It was suggested that maybe i was 'attention seeking' or possibly showing signs of stress. I tried to be strong and learnt to manage these experiences as best i could. At home i wasnt happy. Mum brought myself and my brother Tom up single handed and i loved her like you couldnt believe. Sadly she wasnt affectionate and i desperately longed for some indication that she approved of me. As time went on i didnt feel a part of the family as Tom appeared to be the apple of her eye. I obseved their bond and listened as they teased me over everything, anger festering inside of me. Through my childhood i honestly believed that i wasnt loved or lovable and that is something that words can never express. This manisfested itself in reoccurring nightmares where an evil creature like being would drag me away from my family.
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